A Surgical Patient, a Single Lady, and A Fashionista Walk Into a Bar...

I'll cut to the punch: they're all the same person.

Moi.

I had surgery, this past Monday. In essence, the surgery wasn't particularly surgical: I had three needles inserted into my left posterior, one of which was electrified, and then had an injection of - er - something into my left piriformis muscle (it's beneath the gluteus maximus). I've had pain from my piriformis for a long time, mostly because it's wound tighter than a naval clock, and it's squeezing my sciatic nerve.

Fun, no?

Post-surgery, the BIL had to practically carry me into my apartment, because my left leg decided not to work for a while.

No big deal. I crawled around the apartment until my leg got back to business.

Problem: The Man of My Dreams suggested during Date #2, last night, that we go to a rather nice restaurant for Date #3, because I haven't been there, and it's been a few months since he's been, and damn a good steak will hit the spot.

I checked the prices on zagat.com. It will hit about 100 spots, per person.

I'm so glad I don't have to pay for anything when he takes me out.

The difficulty: I would normally wear a dress and heels. I haven't tried on any of my "nice" pants, but I'm pretty sure they're all too big. At present, I have three large, highly-visible bruises around my left knee, along with carpet-burn on both knees from crawling to the front door to lock it, then to the bathroom.

Yay, nylon carpet...

What's a girl to do?

I know: First World Problems.

A Little Inappropriate

I check a website called FailBook, on occasion, so I can groan at the stupidity of others, along with the thinly veiled spoof-stupidity people try to pass off as real stupidity.

One of the posts, this week, went something like this:

"Is it any wonder that women can't park when men are constantly lying to them about what 9 inches is?"

Haha. Genital jokes.

I think the writer has a point, though she doesn't realize its import: men have no idea what their true height is.

Take, for example, Date #1 (of a total of three dates, this week, and all within three days): his profile states clearly that he is 5'7" tall.

I am 5'7" tall, according to my internist. And I wore flats, so he wouldn't feel intimidated by my statuesqueness.

So why was I staring at his forehead when we spoke while standing?

Because, his ruler/measuring tape is different from mine. Obviously.

And so, just as pink/red/navy is the new black, so 5'5" is the new 5'7".

And 6'0" is the new 5'10", as my date today demonstrated (he's a repeat, but I hadn't noted the height difference on our first date. He was taller than I am: I wasn't going to complain).

So I eagerly await the unveiling of Wednesday's supposedly 6'0" tall fellow.

Also, you may be wondering: how did I go from two dates, yesterday, to three dates (as of approximately 1:15 a.m.) today?

Ahem.

I am a date-scheduling ninja.

My lunch date, today, tried to call me while I was on my date, last night. When my date visited the men's room, I texted in return, saying I was somewhere too loud to talk - out with friends, you know - and it was good to hear from him (and the restaurant was kind of loud). Yes, of course, I would love do lunch, but preferably Tuesday (I omitted the bit about not feeling up to two dates in one day). Before my (Monday night) date returned to the table, we'd fixed up the time and place, and established that I would drive myself as I would be out running errands during the morning.

If that's not ninja, I don't know what is.

At Least I Will Eat Well, This Week

I no longer eat gluten. My migraines occur less frequently, my skin is improved (or, at least, it is improved between the days when I have dates, but always seems to unleash its full fury the day of a date; I think my skin wants me to stay single), and I lost 10 lbs. without changing my exercise regime a single solitary bit.

Awesome, right?

Yes, in most ways. And now, I'm going to sound like the world's whiniest person.

Because I have very little to wear in the way of "Date Clothes."

I didn't date for about two years, and now that I'm dating again, I'm rapidly discovering that the clothes I wore pre-gluten-free-diet are, for the most part, too big.

I know: P.O.O.R. B.A.B.Y. (and then you make a gagging motion when I turn my back. It's cool, I understand).

(Also, with my broad, square shoulders, some of the things I used to wear when I was bigger now make me look like a freaking Greenbay linebacker).

For the date with Mr. Ihavenoideawheremylifeisgoing, I bought a shirt from Banana Republic to wear that goes with my limited color palette wardrobe rule/theory, wore it with my great-grandmother's gorgeous gold pocket-watch/necklace, and felt fabulous.

Too bad the fabulousness was sort of wasted...

But I can't go out and buy something new to wear every time I have a date. I'm a grad student. I don't have that kind of cash.

So I'm trying to figure out what to wear for the two first-blind-dates I have this week (one of which will take place with the Man of My Dreams. Pardon me while I run around the apartment shrieking at the top of my lungs for a moment. Okay. I'm better, now). I want to look like I tried, but not like I tried too hard.

Complicating matters is Houston's weather: it was in the 50s a few days ago, and now it's in the 80s... during the day. The temperature drops to borderline-chilliness in the evenings. Do I wear winter/fall clothes, or do I chuck the Southern Lady conventions and wear whatever the heck the outside temperature suggests?

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a panic attack in my closet, for the next 3 hours.

Lessons in Love

I've written up a few helpful hints for all the fellas, out there, who are looking to spiff up their profiles on dating sites. Here's a few of them:

1. If you want to impress "the ladies," you should definitely post on your profile about how much you LOVE LOVE LOVE flying your airplane, and how you do it every weekend. Every waking minute that you are not at work, you are flying your plane. This will cull all the girls who actually want to spend time with their potential boyfriend, leaving only those who will give you time with your one true love: the airplane.

2. Post pictures of yourself skydiving, preferably while strapped to someone else. This will impress the ladies with how much of a manly dare-devil you are, while also letting them know that you're not too obsessed with keeping up a manly visage to allow yourself to be strapped to some other dude like an overgrown kangaroo that can't give up mom, just yet. Also, it will let girls know that, after they've taken out a life insurance policy on you, it will be fairly easy to get some cash.

3. Say that you don't have kids at home, but then include your son(s)/daughter(s) in every picture you post and include them in the "Things I Can't Live Without". Because, you know, they're not always at your house (wink wink).

4. If a girl decides, post-first-date, that you're not really her type, be sure to send her a passive aggressive email letting her know that, really, you couldn't care less, even though you had already planned the activities for your next date and sent them to her. Also let her know that you are, however, offended that she doesn't want to hang out and be friends.

5. If the lady with whom you are communicating, or attempting to communicate, does not respond favorably (or at all), and you decide to send her a message letting her know how terribly terribly disappointed you are, do not punctuate or even spell out the words. After all, you don't want to seem desperate, do you?

Trials and Tribulations of Dating

In particular, this is The Trials and Tribulations of Dating (and Rejecting).

I had my second eHarmony sponsored date this past Thursday evening. I was nervous, as is to be expected, because there were a few things about which I was curious. For instance, my date had multiple images of him in Iraq, but I didn't know if he'd been in the Army reserves, or if, for instance, he'd been in the military for the past 20 years (I knew he'd been "out" for a couple of years, however).

I also couldn't tell what, exactly, he looked like, although in his pictures he appeared to be in rather good condition.

All the images were, apparently, from when he was in the military, as he was in considerably worse condition, now, than he was in his images.

I'm not saying he was outright fat, and I know it makes me sound incredibly superficial, but the fellow was a bit short, compared to me: 5'9" to my 5'7 3/4". I have a requirement if you're only 2" taller than I am: you have to be able to physically pick me up and carry me 20 feet.

I know, it sounds silly, but it makes me feel less enormously toweringly tall (which I'm really not) in comparison to whoever I'm dating. And for the record, the longest relationship I've ever been in was with a man an inch shorter than me, but he was, as I like to say, "an impressive specimen."

So, now that I sound really superficial and arbitrary...

(Did I mention the fellow from Thursday also had a bad goatee? No? Well, he did.)

And then I found out about the military stint: he'd been working for his father, but he and his dad had a huge row, so at the age of 33, he found himself without a job, and he decided to join the army for 4 years.

Hmmm...

And now he's working for his dad again, and they're not getting along... again...

So, not much stability, poor relationship with parents, and now he's getting a degree in engineering, but he's not sure which branch he really wants to be in, so he might change his degree...

It was just all so fly-by-night and unsettled. Quite frankly, with my health situation, I have enough instability in my life, so I've decided not to go out with this particular fellow again.

Except, on Thursday, he committed a cardinal sin of first blind dates: he asked if I wanted to see him again to my face (after I'd had a couple of glasses of wine).

How do you tell a fellow who is a good conversationalist and who has just paid for two glasses of wine and assorted meats/cheeses that, yeah, you had a good time, but you have no intention of dating him?

You don't. You say, "Um, sure!" with a distinctive lack of enthusiasm, and then go home kicking yourself because you feel guilty because you let him pay, knowing full well you didn't want to see him romantically.

And then you decide to break one of your own rules of dating (since he broke one - this way you're even) and email him to explain that you enjoyed his company, but that you can't see yourself dating him and back out of the date he's already proposed for Friday (and which you're dreading).

No, I haven't actually emailed him, yet. Because he has a test, this evening, and I don't want to upset his equilibrium beforehand. But you can bet your bippy he'll receive an email around 9 p.m. explaining the above situation in as nice a way as is possible.

And I won't feel guilty for emailing it, either. Because he communicates solely via text message.