Just when you think things can't get any worse... you realize that you have a TON of stuff that needs to be done NOW and that you no longer have the money to do it.
I had cancer as a teenager, and as a result of 2.5 yrs. of chemotherapy, my teeth are shot. Seriously. They're in terrible condition. I have more crowns than the Royal Family. And I'm having to get another one. That's $700 (out of my $1550 per month unemployment insurance, which automatically has $500 deducted for insurance). I knew this was going to happen, so of course, I went begging to my parents, who obliged me by offering to pay for the crown. They consider it a legacy of the chemotherapy that I underwent as a kid, so they still pay for it, as if I was still a kid. (Thanks Mom and Dad!)
And now, the REALLY bad news: my dog is missing a testicle. I took him to the vet ($300 bucks for shots, lab tests - yes, he is a black lab - anda biopsy of a lipoma) for his yearly check-up. The vet was doing a thorough examination on the 11 year old baby, and he said, "Huh, he has an undescended testicle."
"No," I replied, "Both the boys are there. At least, they should be."
The vet frowned, felt around a little bit more - much to my dog's consternation - and agreed with me, both of the boys are there, but one of them appears to have been eaten by the other. No, really. One is HUGE and the other is about the size of a kidney bean.
The vet hypothesized that either the little one was damaged at some point in the last three months (the last time I really took any notice of my dog's balls) and "popped" as the case may be, or that there's a tumor on the big one that's depriving the little one of nutrients, causing it to shrink.
So now the poor baby has to get "cut." This month, my teeth are getting fixed, and next month, my dog is getting fixed. But now I have another problem: my phone is dead.
Whine Whine Whine. I know. But I've had this phone for 4 years. FOUR YEARS. Phones aren't meant to last that long. It's one of the old Motorola RZRs, from back when they were still the cool phone to have. Now, it's so uncool, that it's kind of cool again. People look at me and say "Wow, you still have one of those?"
But I've dropped it one too many times, and now it's revolting against me by not hanging up when I close it. In fact, I have to turn the phone off completely in order to hang up. At first I didn't realize this, which meant that friends and family heard some interesting snippets of dialogue after I'd "hung up" the phone. So now I press and hold the on/off key for at least five seconds, or remove the battery altogether to hang up on people, which makes for a fun conversation starter when you're in line at Starbux.
I guess now, after joking about my broken cell phone, I can smoothly segue into something more entertaining: dog testicles and dentistry.