Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Internet Dating Criteria

Over the past several months, I have come up with a few handy ways to skim through the mountains of prospective beaux that fill my inbox daily.

Okay, so by "mountains" I mean 3-4 guys, and by "inbox" I mean that part of eHarmony's website where you can go to view your "matches" (and which I check about once every 3 weeks).

I call my every-3rd-week marathon man-vetting-session Culling the Herd.

Criteria for Culling (aka what will get you RE-jected):

No Photo
Some people on eHarmony - and other dating sites, I'm sure - don't post photos. The most oft-cited reasons for photo-less-ness are:

1) they don't want people from work recognizing them
2) they don't want to be judged by looks alone.

Okay, I get those, in a way. In another way:

1) we're in the 21st Century, and people Internet date. It's no longer something to be ashamed of doing.
2) What are you hiding?

Seriously, I assume if you don't have a photo, then you're not worth looking at (and we've already established that I'm a little bit superficial when it comes to potential partners, because damn! Look at me! I'm GORGEOUS!)

Photo Contains Cats
I'm allergic to cats. If you have a cat, you're out of the running. I - and my dander-hating skin - will be looking elsewhere for love.
 Okay, so if Steve McQueen showed up at my door holding a cat, I'd just pop some Benadryl, but otherwise...

Photo(s) Contain Motorcycles
 In the interest of full disclosure, I feel it is necessary to let you know, dear reader, that I cannot - and will not ever try to - ride a bike. So a man who spends his free time (and money) rocketing around on a motorcycle is obviously not one I'm likely to get involved with.

Age Too Low
I accidentally went out with a 23-year-old (I thought it said 28, I swear!). It was not a good thing. If you're under 27, your odds are not good. At all.

Age Too High
Seriously, dude? You're 49? 52? Ican'tevencountthathigh? How the hell did you even find my profile?!?! It was that stupid "What If..." thing, wasn't it? The thing where they pair you up with someone outside your "comfort zone" (be it religious, height-wise, or age-wise). I hate the "What If..." thing

Passionate About...
If you're passionate about watching TV... Seriously? TELEVISION?!?!?! No human rights? No gender equality? Not even a Free Tibet tidbit? Seriously, being passionate about the Republican Party is better than being passionate about TV. Or video games. Or NASCAR. And if your only "I'm passionate about..." entry is "Sports: all of them! LOL!"? Aw, hell no! I will not be a football/basketball/baseball/golf/water polo widow. Be passionate about one sport, and I'm A-OK. But if you expect me to go to a pro-sporting game every week? Game off.

Those are the basics. Granted, there are other more esoteric criteria for elimination:

1) Single word responses in the blurbs where you can write up to 500 characters (serial killer)
2) Not writing anything in the "Last Book I Read and Enjoyed" blurb
3) Ticking the box indicating that you "Don't Have Kids at Home", then listing your children as one of the things you're thankful for
4) Saying you're "Spiritual but not religious" and then listing one of the things you're thankful for as "The Lord Jesus Christ Our Savior" - that means you're Christian (or a Jew for Jesus) and therefore religious

And there are other intangibles... like not having your shirt ironed in your photo (slob).

But maybe I'm just too picky. Personally, I prefer to think of myself as selective.

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