Thursday, March 8, 2012

Lessons in Love

I've written up a few helpful hints for all the fellas, out there, who are looking to spiff up their profiles on dating sites. Here's a few of them:

1. If you want to impress "the ladies," you should definitely post on your profile about how much you LOVE LOVE LOVE flying your airplane, and how you do it every weekend. Every waking minute that you are not at work, you are flying your plane. This will cull all the girls who actually want to spend time with their potential boyfriend, leaving only those who will give you time with your one true love: the airplane.

2. Post pictures of yourself skydiving, preferably while strapped to someone else. This will impress the ladies with how much of a manly dare-devil you are, while also letting them know that you're not too obsessed with keeping up a manly visage to allow yourself to be strapped to some other dude like an overgrown kangaroo that can't give up mom, just yet. Also, it will let girls know that, after they've taken out a life insurance policy on you, it will be fairly easy to get some cash.

3. Say that you don't have kids at home, but then include your son(s)/daughter(s) in every picture you post and include them in the "Things I Can't Live Without". Because, you know, they're not always at your house (wink wink).

4. If a girl decides, post-first-date, that you're not really her type, be sure to send her a passive aggressive email letting her know that, really, you couldn't care less, even though you had already planned the activities for your next date and sent them to her. Also let her know that you are, however, offended that she doesn't want to hang out and be friends.

5. If the lady with whom you are communicating, or attempting to communicate, does not respond favorably (or at all), and you decide to send her a message letting her know how terribly terribly disappointed you are, do not punctuate or even spell out the words. After all, you don't want to seem desperate, do you?

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