Thursday, October 14, 2010

Dr. Pain - Part Deux

Thank you for humoring my little Mel Brooks reference.

I saw Dr. Pain on Tuesday, and he seemed baffled that I hadn't had an MRI of my neck - which would be the source of pain in my arm, but not my left leg, alas. So he ordered one. I had it performed that same day - er - night. Bonus: his MRI center schedules appointments until 9:30 at night so I didn't have to miss work for the MRI.

Laying aside the fact that Dr. Pain reminds me of a Korean Jackie Chan - complete with manic bouncy energy - and that he made me feel much better about my whole ordeal and proposed an immediate solution, the fact that his preferred MRI clinic is open late makes him tops in my book.

He did prescribe me with some pain pills, but only because the pain is keeping me awake at night, which means I'm fatigued, which means I almost get into a wreck with a Suburban because I'm not as aware of what's going on. Ahem. So, pills only at night, and in a couple of weeks, I'll have a minor surgical procedure performed, called an epidural steroid injection. In other words, they put steroids in my spinal column with a little bit of anesthesia and I (hopefully) will feel better. Because I will feel less.

Before the appointment, I had to go through a loooooooooooooong set of paperwork, most of which dealt with personal background (Have you ever had problems with drug abuse? Alcohol abuse? Do you have any relatives with drug or alcohol abuse problems? Do you have mood swings? Oh, buddy, do I have mood swings...) and current medications, and then a long contract stating that I would not share my medicine or sell it or use illicit drugs, or socialize with people who use illicit drugs.

Sorry, stoners, I can't be your friend, any more. Or, at least, hang out at your house or ride in your car, where you might have illicit drugs, and where I might be arrested along with you for being in possession of them during the course of routine traffic stops. I'm not joking.

And I had to take a drug test. I will, during the time I'm seeing Dr. Pain, be submitted to random drug tests, just to make sure I'm not bolstering my legal pain medicine's effects with nightly doses of heroin.

The best part is that the contract isn't just with Dr. Pain, it's a United States DEA legal document - if I understand it correctly - so I sort of just signed a contract with the government.

I think I'm scared, now.

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